Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Mountain of Fear, an interlude

My tent is pitched and I wander, not abandoning where I’ve been set, but curious about the land. The grass is light, aged by the sun. I feel its sleeves and pieces break away in dust. Orange clouds follow my steps as I turn up the dirt with my scuffed steps. I don’t have the energy I feel I need to make it through this day. Let alone these months…my mind trails.

My eyes set toward the hills of higher altitude, I’m reminded that I have been asked to climb the distance and follow my father’s trail there. Relentless fear captivates my thoughts. This course is impossible. How could I possibly get there? How can I possibly stay here much longer, alone? Defeated, I hang my head and lower my body.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair*

Gently sung, promises renewed, my hair waves in the wind and I find a small white petalled flower near my tear-wet hand. I take it up and look at its meek face. I pin it to my hair, to remember.
If all I can do is gather flowers…I set out to find more.
*Song: Mumford & Sons, After the Storm
My flower findings this week:
-The simple thought and the faith I felt when I heard: maybe you have better
-He has directly clearly to this clearing in a field
-Sending me songs as I sleep, I can’t stop writing them for you God.
-God has answered prayer, to see his love and affection for me. He has shown that he knows my lies as he speaks truth to their face. He has sent irony, to show me his humor and how much I love his humor.
-He answered a prayer to delight in my Kindergarteners this week. So much laughter.
-Fearlessness to make my desire known to him
-Desire to be pure of heart: to see God
-Conversation with a dear friend, that was honest, filling, and renewing

These will I bind in my hair.

No comments:

Post a Comment