Losing it

Somedays I wish I was far beyond the clouds.
like today. I lost my patience today. And I wish hadn't.

I teach 19 lovely kindergartners. Each with their special set of gifts, quirks and toothless smiles.

But today, I didn't appreciate any of that. Let me set the stage and attempt to teach myself the gospel again. The first half of this week my kindergartners have amazed me: working independently, no accidents, fewer tears, we even got rid of morning recess because they could stay on task.

Today...ah!

They went bananas, there were tears around every corner, really annoying questions, spontaneous shouts for NO REASON, lots of helplessness about zipping up their coats, they farted every half hour, and Miss Taylor lost it.

A snapshot: I was teaching small group reading, which really wasn't going that well because everyone had something they just must share. But a child that was supposed to be working independently by finding letters in a magazine and cutting them out, came up to me. She said, "Miss Taylor, I can't find any "A"s I've looked through the whole magazine, there are none!"
....i combusted..
First, I thought in my head, "What are you dumb?" Then I felt bad for thinking that, so I tried to be holy and said, "Let's pray because Miss Taylor needs patience." BUT THEN...they fiddled around with papers, talking and didn't listen to the prayer. THEY DIDN'T LISTEN TO MISS TAYLOR PRAY!
Heavens to Betsy! (If you didn't pick up on my sarcasm, please do so now-it's perfectly ridiculous to expect that just because I'm praying all should be calm and easy).

I said something short...probably along the lines of: you should be able to find the "A"s. There are PLENTY OF A's. Go to you desk and find them.
Then I said something sarcastic. "You know, I think someone probably stole all the "A's". It's really too bad."

Then I just needed to stop saying.

During my prep, I went to go get coffee and sat outside of room (What we call Narnia). I was reading The Gingerbread Baby, because that's relaxing. I thought. Lord, I really don't have it today-yep, zero patience. The worst part is, I'm not representing you well today. These short comments. Snipping words. Unfriendly glances. What kind of Jesus is that? 

The afternoon came and went; I wish I could say that patience came after that moment with the Lord, but it really didn't.

But now I'm trying to see the grace in all this and here is what I've found:

1. I need to apologize and hope that my students will forgive me.

2. I'm so thankful that the Lord doesn't get annoyed with me. Seriously, I can pray something over and over and over again, think about it with him constantly and he listens EVERY time. (but if a kid did that to me, I'd get rather irritated and wish they'd just drop it by now).

3. In the midst of messy classroom moments, Jesus peers his head in. One of my boys today was having trouble with his coat zipper. It's broken and he can't zip up his coat and neither could I, for that matter. I tried and tried and was about to give up and pin it shut when we decided to pray. Lord, please help make this zipper work. Amen. BAM! It zipped like a pro. Then 3 hours later, trying to zip it up again, except this time the zipper was really broken and falling away from the lining, we were at it again. I prayed in my head this time, believing "hey! God did it before." BAM! It worked again and I said to the boy, "I just prayed it would work and it did! God answered my prayer!" This boy got the largest grin I've ever seen and we marveled together at how good God was to us.

4. I'm a process and full of sticky sin but I'm forgiven at the cross. And how sweet this resurrection is! I have Christ's righteousness placed upon my new cloak, I'm his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works. I have the Spirit of the Living God working in me. He will not leave me or abandon me. He will raise my arms again tomorrow. Where, I will live in the dawn's new mercy!