suffering softens

I want to run
I want to scream obscenities
I want to laugh
I want to cry
I want to ask Him ‘why?”
I want to sleep
I want to read
I want to leave

Today I read, “The events of the previous night appeared in her mind like a trout surfacing in a stream. But the awareness came before she could stop it.” From The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott

The rest offers some peace, as if lifting your feet after a long day. But when the dawn breaks, the light abrasing your eyelids until you succumb to the opening, and reality surfaces. To quote the above, it comes before you can stop it. And what if you do not choose this reality given you? What if you have some very strong objections to it?

I cannot leave Him though, my Reality-Chooser. I can’t even pass a disdainful thought through the synapses of my brain. For this is the Lord that has been faithfully good throughout my existence. There are too many alters to Him built in my mind to mistrust.

Thank God.

That through ambiguity
Uncertainty
Restlessness

He is trustworthy.

I will be still
I will trust
I will thank
I will still cry
I will yet laugh
And I think I will go now and get a glass of water from the kitchen…