Silence

Something disturbs my continence.
The want of more, the desire to not waste this time and yet He has called me into silence.
Of waiting…
Oh to return to this precious and, often missed, season.
…Lord, my soul welcomes the wait. I just ask for the grace of patience to remain…

"The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." –C.S. Lewis
To be thankful for scabs, for only love can cause such pain. And how deep love goes; it pulls my soul to you Lord: this umbilical of eternity. It has lead me through a rough year, where I’ve screamed at times, “Enough!” It has placed trust in the weary heart when I had no strength of my own. It has even allowed for such joy, my cheeks tingle and laughter tears form.


Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosperor fret about their wicked schemes.
Ps 37:7

Let this silence be kept. Let me not rush to leave your presence.
But I give thanks for the pain
Thanks for the trust to initiate pain
For my Prince of Peace

Allergies

The last few months of life have been rather dramatic. Something that I’m prideful to believe I try to stay away from. But an emotional heart like mine does have its flaring. My heart has allergies; you could say, gets congestion and has to stay at home sick. It was crippling in my younger years. I have a distinct memory….

Sitting in the upstairs of our duplex, my back crouched over my knees, the sun shining in through the window-paned door that lead to the porch. I remember the light being beautiful and I was upset. It didn’t match my mood. A friend had just told me I wasn’t allowed to be her friend until tomorrow. I was damaged deeply. Mother soothed, but tears still created rivers down my dry knees.

Tears everywhere, it’s a wonder we didn’t get water damage in the house.
God has been faithful to teach me more differentiation of my emotions over the years. Allowing empathy its place, but not allowing it to take over my week. But it still seems I attract the drama. Is life really a stage? Or just my life? Feeling often I’m doing something wrong.

I get this is lie. But I said it anyway, so what?

suffering softens

I want to run
I want to scream obscenities
I want to laugh
I want to cry
I want to ask Him ‘why?”
I want to sleep
I want to read
I want to leave

Today I read, “The events of the previous night appeared in her mind like a trout surfacing in a stream. But the awareness came before she could stop it.” From The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott

The rest offers some peace, as if lifting your feet after a long day. But when the dawn breaks, the light abrasing your eyelids until you succumb to the opening, and reality surfaces. To quote the above, it comes before you can stop it. And what if you do not choose this reality given you? What if you have some very strong objections to it?

I cannot leave Him though, my Reality-Chooser. I can’t even pass a disdainful thought through the synapses of my brain. For this is the Lord that has been faithfully good throughout my existence. There are too many alters to Him built in my mind to mistrust.

Thank God.

That through ambiguity
Uncertainty
Restlessness

He is trustworthy.

I will be still
I will trust
I will thank
I will still cry
I will yet laugh
And I think I will go now and get a glass of water from the kitchen…